The secret of life
by cosylittlegirl
Summary: What if the cullens departure in New moon wasn't exactly "the end" for Bella ? What it was only the beginning of her new life ? Her Real life ?
1. Chapter 1

Prologue

"_We have to leave…_

_How much longer can we stay in forks after all?_

_You can't come… were we're going is not the right place for you_

_I'm no good for you. My world is not for you._

_What happened with Jasper was exactly what was to be expected._

_I don't want you to come. I don't… want… you._

_I'll always love you… in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm… tired of pretending to be something I'm not. I am not human._

_I've let this go on for much too long and I'm sorry for that._

_You're not good for me Bella."_

Stephenie Meyer: New moon.

Just like every night during the last two months, I wasn't able to find Morpheus' arms; I wasn't able to find my very much needed rest, all because of his words; the words he had told me before he left. Before they all left. Some people say that words can't hurt, precisely because they're just words. As far as I'm concerned I actually realized that the words are our most powerful weapon: when they'd hurt someone, you couldn't take them back, like you could with a simple bullet or a knife, no. You had to live with them, accept them, and not even a "sorry" can remove the pain you feel. Living with hurting words, is much harder than the simple fact of hearing them. I couldn't help myself to repeat his all speech like a broken record in my head, all days, but also all nights long. They were like a powerful venom that would slowly spread into your body, and that you can't possibly take out of you. You can't heal from them. And don't even try to count on time, because the best it can do to you is to convert those words into simple memories that would get lost in the past, to chase after you in the future, in your most vulnerable moments. The best that can happen to you if you ever heard hurting words is being able to make sure they don't affect you. I believe that words do have something in common with life: they're what you make of them. For instance, I decided that his words would kill me, my soul, and every part of me. I could certainly fight back, I could certainly try to live, but I didn't want to because my life wouldn't make sense without him: he was, is and will always be my life. His absence had done nothing but confirm that he's nothing for me. Nothing. Nothing but my world. Nothing but my universe.

I was grateful that tonight no strange nightmare had visited me. No Victoria, No Volturi, No strange human/animal transformation, no creatures fight, none of that. Pretty silent for a Bella Swan night if you'd ask me. Just when I was getting used to my body's non sleeping policy, my friendly nightmares, decided to leave me. Once again, I felt abandoned and became afraid of the boredom this night would give me, because as bad as the nightmares were, they at least were very useful to refrain me from thinking of him.

There was still one thing that I was honestly, and truthfully satisfied about though: I knew for sure that tonight Charlie could finally take a long awaited rest. He wouldn't feel the need to wake up and try to cheer me up after my daily nightmare. I didn't want him to put up with my pain. I wanted to take responsibility for the choices I was currently making with my life, and I was aware that making Charlie worried sick about me wouldn't help. To make things much better, for some reason, other than my broken heart, my dad worked more than usual at the office, since the Cullen left. Something about tracking down an animal that could possibly kill Fork's already tiny population. Since they left, nobody was allowed to go there, which also strictly prevented me from going to my only happy place on earth. I for once, was wondering what could possibly be more dangerous than vampires in town. My need to satisfy my aroused curiosity, and the determination I had to have a sleeping night, or morning however you want to put it made me ignore my dad's and his orders to be safe. Besides, how could you possibly appreciate your life if you're never on the verge of losing it? I was convinced that the concept of danger was invented for that. It was invented for people who wanted to make sure they were alive. I didn't, but it was the only way for me to feel closer to him and to his world. So I silently jumped out of my window, just like he had taught me and left the police chief's house for the forest, for my happy place.


	2. 1Journey to the past

Chapter 1: Direction: the past.

"_Have I found you?_

_Flightless bird, jealous, weeping or lost you, American mouth_

_Big pill looming_"

Iron & wine Flightless bird.

The melody and lyrics suddenly filled my car as I kept on driving. So I let them whisper to my heart and soul, and they took me to the past; just like a portal.

I was taken a hundred years back: A young and plain teenage girl was madly in love with her vampire boyfriend. She was more than happy; it was not an easy love, she was aware of that but she was willing to fight for _him,_ for both of them. She was convinced that everything in life that we had to fight for, were certainly the great things that could happen to us, but only if we showed that we were worth it. That we deserved it. So that's what she did; she even kept on fighting after he'd left her. Her choices finally killed her, when one night she secretly went to what she called her "happy place", to be mysteriously murdered, leaving her parents mourning the loss of their one and only daughter.

As the song ended, my phone sang _I'm yours _by Jason Mraz bringing me back to the present. I smiled knowingly. He probably changed his ringing tone while I was preparing my bag. I couldn't help my laugh as I answered, but he didn't let me talk first. "I finally hear my ringing bells. I missed you". I realized that I needed something to take me out of my anxious state of mind, so I was thankful that he called. "Thank you" I said. He didn't answer, so I guess he knew the real reason why I thanked him. "You know that kind of game you play with my name is really lame. You should stop it." I asked willing to change the subject and erase the growing tension between us. "Right and saying a rhyming phrase is not." He answered ironically. "Besides, I know you love it" He added playing along, which I was grateful for. "That I do, but don't tell anyone; I have a reputation to keep" We laughed together. "I love you" I said truthfully. "I know" He replied "Keep that in mind when you come back home". His words suddenly made me worried "Is everything alright back there? Are Lizzie and Alex fighting again? I mean if I have to come back I will. This trip can wait; I mean..." he cut me off "Marybell; I love you; everything's fine." "Oh yeah, so fine, that we didn't eat properly today, that he doesn't even know how to train us or handle doodle dee and deedle dum for a minute, and if things are keep going that way, it's not the world that I'm going to kill, it's the universe !" I heard Taylor say behind the phone… she kept going "Let me talk to her Isaac!" She didn't seem quite happy but then again, we were talking about Taylor the temper. I heard a bit more fight, and then Isaac's voice came back to my ear anxiously "You see how fine everything is? It's like you aren't even gone. Totally normal" I couldn't help but chuckle "Just make sure no one's dead by the time I'm back. As for the trainings, I left some video tapes for each one of them and for their abilities on the desk in my office. Tell them to do it properly; I want to see some progress when I come back. And for the food, for everyone's sake, please… Stop cooking honey; just order pizza or Chinese; they'll love you more that way… believe me: they'll be grateful that you let them live that long, and so will I. It's really not the time to kill them. Oh and tell Lizzie to keep an eye on the Volturis... " Isaac stopped my rambling "Sweetie… it will be okay… I feel it… the vampire royalty definitely feels more vulnerable than ever now that we've killed two of their most precious servants. Since the loss of Jane and Chelsea Aro feels weaker than ever. They won't react before a while. We'll be more than ready when it happens." "It's not a reason to relax, it's totally the opposite, I know you're the one who feels here, but this mission is getting heavier and heavier each second, and I really need everyone to stay focus… especially you Isaac." "I will if you stop your bossy bell's mode." I rolled my eyes "I hear you" he said. "What the hell are you talking about?" "I hear you roll your eyes from here." "I'm serious Isaac, I'm worried" I wasn't feeling light enough to laugh about anything right now. "I know, and I'm sorry… I love you; Aaron calls me I have to go. Call me when you're there. Charlie isn't pissed at you, he's actually been pretty sad during your long absence. He missed you a lot." A single tear fell from my eye before I knew it, as the feeling of guilt invaded my heart. "Thank you for secretly keeping an eye on him when I wasn't willing to" I sniffed. "You're welcome sweetheart. I'll lie to you whenever you want. I have to go, Aaron is waiting. Charlie cares and he's worried; last time I checked, he still loves you. He'll be shocked but happy to see you back home. I'll talk to you later." His voice was gone before I could even answer; leaving me alone again, with the anger, guilt, worries and pain, that kept me company through the last century. Not even the presence of my "new family" could replace what I had before.

Afraid to provoke an accident, I decided to stop at the next rest area to take something to eat, and compose myself. I parked my class C Mercedes on the parking lot and got out to get some fresh air. I realized how tired and hungry I was, after a half-day of drive. As I was entering the gas station shop, I saw a little girl walking hand in hand between her two parents as they got out of their car, and couldn't help but think I used to be that girl. She seemed happy, like I was. I hoped for her that she wouldn't discover years later what a lie her life has been. I hope they didn't hide anything from her. That her happiness was genuine and not based from an illusion.

I was about to grab an Italian sandwich on the shelf, when the call of a dying soul getting closer and closer to me turned my eyes into emerald green; the animal I was, was erasing the tiny ounce of humanity I still had. I turned around, to see the "happy father" of earlier, on my left side, about to buy some cigarettes. A dying soul was always more appealing to our kind than a plain sandwich, but we decided a long time ago, in the White family, that we wouldn't kill souls, we'd save them as long as they were willing to be saved. Othniel, one of the first destroying angels once said that "life is for fighters", so we kept that in mind ever since. That's why I looked pointedly at the man, calling for his glance; once he answered my call, his soul opened widely to let me in and I saw his lung cancer patiently, and happily killing him while smiling triumphantly at me, as if to tell me that it was too late. Resignation and pain seemed to be helping him to get his job done quicker. There was no fight in there, no life, nothing left to do. I couldn't save him; I watched defiantly his cancer, and destroyed his soul, eating it. His eyes got me out, and I saw his weakness coming with his death. I was sad for the little girl I saw earlier, her dad would die in less than a week because he refused to fight for his life. He refused to live. After that unexpected mission, I left the rest area, and got back on the road.

Looking for something to calm me down, I let Louis Armstrong tell me _what a wonderful world _this one actually is. Mr. Armstrong voice wasn't only singing a song, he was also singing the biggest fat lie that humanity believed in; I couldn't help but wonder who he was trying to convince: himself or to the rest of the universe. Honestly, if this world was that beautiful, my kind wouldn't even exist; we were made to heal the world from all its sickness. Destroying angels were made to build a better world with those who still wanted to be part of it. The only thing my kind destroyed was darkness. I would say my kind was the biggest irony, or joke of life: we were made to build the world by destroying some parts of it. Destroy to build: that was our mission. The biggest and most dangerous one would be coming soon. I was coming to the past, in forks, to prepare it. I needed to talk to the wolves; I needed to prepare them for the upcoming fights; I was wondering who the new chief was, since Jake and his friends must have died a while ago. The shape-shifters where only made protect people from the kind that shouldn't have existed: vampires; if the latter didn't exist, the Quileute's ability would have no reason to be. The Cullen family left way before me; Jacob and his so called brothers must have been relieved to take their normal teenagers lives back, before dying

Tired of thinking so much, I decided to enjoy my loneliness and the lasts uneventful hours I'd have before a long time. A bit more than a half day later, the "_Welcome to forks!_" sign brought me to the past, in Bella swan's life, but also to this world's possible future, or end.


	3. Live the past in the present

Ok,** So 1st I'm sorry it took so long to upload. Anyway Here's the second chapter. This is an introduction to the third that will B quite longer and hold a few important explenations about what's actually going on. Review and if ask any questions you'll want. Hope you'll like it :-)**

**'Till next time, Sissi.**

2. Live the past in the present

When we leave place for a long time, we usually can't wait to come back and pick some good memories of our past; we sometimes want them to clear our minds, to be our guide in the important choices we'd have to make, or simply to remind us who we are, who we were, who we ought or wanted to be. It wasn't my case with forks, and I wouldn't be able to say why, probably because there are too many reasons; even if I left the town, an important part of me had stayed in here: the one that belonged to _him_; I never felt that the one _he_'d left in the forest that day was the same as the one I was today. I guess I never really left, and I didn't change either, because who I used to be and the one I am today, have always been two different persons to me.

As my cars' tires passed the welcoming sign, I felt more lost than ever; I didn't know where to go; it seemed to me that I arrived in another planet, that was frozen in time because even if I left it a century ago, I got the impression that I used a portal to travel in the past; Forks didn't change at all during those hundred years; if there was a word that could describe it, it would probably be "bubble". Forks was the bubble that could take you away from what people like to call "normality".

The different kinds of evolution that humanity experienced as time went on didn't have any influence on the peaceful little town; no matter how extraordinary its residents were or how dangerous they could be, or how great their power were, the place never gave up on this weird humility that made it so special; this tiny area of Washington state held big secrets, but never gave them away as if protecting its "creatures" and their powers was the most precious treasure it had.

The feeling that my car had suddenly stopped took me away of my reverie. I couldn't help but think that my subconscious hated me as I looked up to see where my instinct drove me to: there in front of me, stood the house that Bella used to live in: Chief Swan's house. Like Forks, the chief's house hasn't changed. It was the same old blue door, just not as old as I expected it to be for a more than a century old house. Charlie's cruiser wasn't there, and I was thankful to be able open the past on my own. As I walked up to the porch, I couldn't quite explain why excitement and anxiousness were competing against each other; I refused to consider the Idea that I was happy to be back. I wasn't, and I couldn't possibly be considering that all that happened before I left was a good thing. After taking a deep breath to compose myself, I started to reach for the usual spare key under the carpet. Charlie has never been a fan of changes; he was one of the rare people in the world who loved the drill, so I psychologically prepared myself to find the house exactly the way I left it.

After taking a deep breath, I inserted the key in its hole and closed my eyes, as if that would protect me from all the feelings that the place gave me. I was delusional: closing my eyes only intensified my other senses, letting all the memories back in. So I opened them to see a "modern wannabe version" of the house I spent my teen years in. A liked to call it a "modern wannabe" because apart from the furniture and the TV, nothing was really modern about it. The peaceful mess was still there, the loneliness of Charlie's life was still more than palpable and the smell of beer and fish apparently hadn't left. Dying to know what happened to my old room, I decided to go upstairs and see for myself: I was shocked to see that nothing left its place from the day I left. Nothing had changed, and it seemed to be the only room that I've seen so far that wasn't in a mess. Guilt washed through me as I started to imagine how lonely Charlie's life had been all these years; I was the only family he had left, and even I left him. I had my reasons, I was more than angry and sad, but now that I see how lonely and lost his life seemed to be, I was sorry for him. Needing to wash away those feelings, I started mechanically to tidy the house around, before taking a little shower and making dinner.

I was getting out of the shower, when I heard the voice of my dad behind my back:

"Bella?" He whispered sadly. I heard in his voice how surprised and skeptical he was to actually see me.


	4. Daddy's gilr

**Hi everybody ! Hope everyone's ok :) I tried to be as fast as I could to write this 3rd chapter. I hope you'll enjoy it ! See you** **down there !**

Previously on _the secret of life_: _I was getting out of the shower, when I heard the voice of my dad behind my back: "Bella?" He whispered sadly. I heard in his voice how surprised and skeptical he was to actually see me._

Chapter 3: Daddy's girl

Charlie's emotions were much louder than the only word he dared to pronounce. It was definitely weird to hear that name again. I was about to correct him, but decided against it when I saw different kinds of emotions cross his eyes. Disbelief, despair, anger and sadness were all fighting in his brown pupils. I couldn't handle the shame and guilt his feelings gave me, so I suddenly found the ground very fascinating. It was not necessarily that I didn't know what to tell him, I just didn't have enough strength to face the past, and the mistakes we made, ending up hurting each other when it was the last thing we wanted. I ended up saying a poor "hello". I wished at that moment that I had the courage to tell him how sorry I was for leaving him on his own all those years; how I wanted to come back before, but was afraid of the way I would have been received. Unfortunately, my relationship with my dad always been more filled with awkward silences and situations than hugs and "I love you". We'd never really been able to express our feelings, and a century away from each other certainly didn't help that.

I was amazed when he closed the gap between us, to hug me as if it would be the last time we'd see each other. The loss he felt all those years translated in the tears he let fall on my shoulders. I couldn't resist the urge to hug him back and inhaled his fishy beer smell deeply; never thought I would miss it someday. It wasn't just necessarily the smell. It was mostly him. I was happy to hear a smile in his voice, when he sighed and whispered in my ear, that he'd been missing me too. It was then that I realized I was closer to my dad than I thought: as emotionally expressionless as our relationship was, we never really needed talk to be with each other, and understood each other without speaking. I couldn't help but smile at that thought. I wiped the treacherous tears that were about to fall from my eyes off my face, and pulled out from the warm cocoon my dad's arms built around me to compose myself. We couldn't change the past; I couldn't take back all those years of loss and anger, but we could make things right for the future. Charlie's call pulled me out of my thoughts "Bella?" He said embarrassingly, with a hint of blush on his cheeks. He was looking at me from head to toe, making me do the same: I was standing in front of my father, with only a towel to cover my naked body. Awkward situations were definitely back. "I… I better go get … dressed to ease this awkward thing" I said trying to hide my tomato face and running to my room to put some clothes on. Talk about an awkward situation. Bella Swan and her clumsy self were definitely back in town and I didn't know if I was happy or scared.

I was all dressed and ready to get downstairs to prepare dinner, when my phone rang: I was about to answer when I saw Isaac's name appear on the screen, but changed my mind. Isaac and the team would have to wait. Right now, I had pains to ease, and explanations to get and give. It would take the time needed, but I was determined to fix the past with my father, and the others would have to take care of themselves without me. I would call Isaac every night before going to sleep, but my main focus, would be my relationship with my dad. Wasn't that the main purpose of this trip anyway?

When I got downstairs, I went straight to the kitchen, while I heard the TV on. Just like in the old days, Charlie would be busy watching his game, while I'd be busy making him dinner. I looked in my father's pantry to find my cooking inspiration, and wasn't surprised to find just the basics, since my dad rarely if not never cooked; he preferred going to the local dinner for food. I would definitely have to go do some grocery shopping tomorrow. Finding my ingredients I decided to make a tortilla with garlic bread as a side dish. I was about to cut the bread, when Charlie took the knife away from me. "I'm perfectly able to cut simple bread you know" I said flatly. I was hurt that he would still see me as this clumsy girl who left him. I'd changed." "Oh… I'm … I'm sorry Bella…" He whispered sadly, making moves to leave the kitchen, when I grabbed his wrist. "Don't go… it's just…" I sighed as I struggled to find the right words to explain my rude behavior. "I'm sorry; it's just, that if we're going to make this work, you'll have to stop seeing me as the clumsy teen girl who needed your 24/7 protection from years ago. You and I both know I'm not that girl anymore… I became the danger; I'm not the prey anymore. I mean… I don't want you to overprotect me." I looked up, and saw a mix of amazement and pride in his eyes. "I certainly didn't see this little rant coming… You're right; you deserve that I try to get to know the new girl you became, and not try to find back the one who left me years ago; nevertheless, you'll always be my daughter, and I'll always be your father; therefore, protecting you is my reason to be, and you're also going to have to accept that. Deal?" he said as he handed the knife back to me. I nodded, smiling at him "Deal. Now you should go finish watching your game before you destroy this kitchen, or even worse, this food" I teased him, taking back my knife. I finished cooking the dinner peacefully, feeling more relaxed than I've ever felt in a long time. Killing soulless creatures as a job was exhausting, both physically and emotionally; I wondered if that was why Charlie loved the drill in Forks so much. Before living his life as humanly as possible, he'd been chasing dead souls, just like me and when the fantasy side of the universe became your daily routine, it was more than easy to take the normalcy drill as a rest. When dinner was done, I moved to the living room, and started to set the table, while Charlie's game was coming to an end.

We started eating in a comfortable silence like in the old years, and I enjoyed every part of it. "This is really good Bell's, you haven't lost your cooking talent." My dad said with a mouthful of eggs. I couldn't help the chuckle. I was grateful to be able to cook for him again. "You're welcome dad. It feels good to be back." I was afraid that my last comment would bring awkwardness, but thankfully it didn't "Feels good to have you back too" He simply nodded. "Bella… you know that at some point we're going to have to talk about why you left me right?" He asked apprehensively. I nodded "I know that dad, but not tonight please. I'm not ready yet." He seemed to understand, or at least to try to. "It's ok I'll have to get back to the police station tonight anyway. I want to make sure everything's alright back there, since I left too soon earlier. Are you going to be ok?" I looked pointedly at him "Really dad? You're talking to a shield angel, I won't be defenseless". He surrendered "I'm just a father that's all. Anyway if you ever need me, call Isaac he has my number" He said as if it wasn't a big deal. I always knew Isaac checked on him behind my back, but I was surprised to know they actually interacted with each other. I needed to get explanations from him later. Charlie seemed to see my confusion. "Is there something wrong?" He asked worried. I felt the urge to reassure him. "No. No. Everything's fine. Don't worry, all is fine." I answered as calmly as I could "Even if I don't really believe you, I sense that it's none of my business, so I'm going to pretend to believe you, just like I did with all your precedent lies." He said with a hint of smile in his words. I smiled back. "Well thanks for respecting our privacy." He nodded and got up from his chair. "Well, I'm going to have to leave soon. I won't work too late; I'll probably be back before midnight." "Okay, I'll be fine, I'm just going to check on the others and go to bed." "Just don't be too hard on your man Bell's". I was shocked to hear him say him say such a thing about my boyfriend. He had never been so nice to _him_. I couldn't help the anger that slowly rose in my heart, and looked very hardly at him "I'm not really used to see you so tolerant to the man I'm dating". Understanding the allusion I made about the past, I saw his eyes being covered with sadness and regret. "Bella… I'm sure that now you're mature to understand why I was against it." He was being completely unfair, and I was shocked "Funny, you'd think after 118 years I'd be mature enough to understand, you're narrow minded way of thinking, but I still don't, and I don't think I ever will" I said Ironically. He stood up, and scorned at my words, as if I was delusional "Bella… I was protecting you; do you even realize that you were dating a soulless creature?" I'd never seen Charlie so judgmental, and it really hurt me to see that side of him "What did you know about _his_ soul anyway?" I proclaimed. "I knew, and I still know enough to be certain that he was not good for you; he hurt you, played with your heart, and left you. It baffles me that you still defend him after all these years. What did he do to you Bella? You deserve someone who loves you and respects your soul". He said as if I wear a capricious kid who had lost his toy. I let tears of rage fall on my cheeks "THAT MAN LOVED ME ENOUGH TO LEAVE ME SO THAT I COULD KEEP MY SOUL! HOW COULD ONE BE SOULLESS IF THEY WORK ON SAVING PEOPLES LIVES?!" I roared, pushing my dad away from me while crying all the tears of my heavy heart. Charlie just hugged me, trying to calm me down, but I was still hurt by his words. How could he think that way? How could he judge _him_ without giving _him _a chance? "I think you should go Charlie. I need some time alone." I could feel that he didn't want to leave, but right now I didn't want to talk to him. He reluctantly let go of me, and went to prepare himself, before getting back to work.

After cleaning up the table, and the putting the plates in the dishwasher, I went back to my room, and cried again thinking of what had happened before I left Forks years ago.

I remembered discovering Charlie's betrayal and lies. I remembered when my father called me from the police station to look for some files in his desk at home. I remembered when I found the file he owned about the Cullen vampire coven. He had known all along whom they were. It hurt me to know that my father had lied to me so blatantly, pretending to believe those lies. Finally I remembered discovering his lies about my childhood, about my Identity. I wasn't the one he said I was. All my life had been a huge lie. How could he? I came back to forgive, to understand, but that was far from being easy. Too tired to even think of anything, I fell asleep on my bed, promising myself to call the others the next day.

**Don't be afraid to review, and share your thoughts with me :) See you people when I'll publish the next chapter. **


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